Finding Stillness

I didn’t know what to expect of Thailand. I’m a bit of a go-with-the-flow traveler. I don’t have a long list of must-see destinations, but I feel blessed to explore anywhere new… as long as it isn’t cold! Chelsea is the planner and unless I see some sort of red flag I usually am happy with wherever she is curious about next.

Originally we were going to spend a month in Bangkok but when we read about the air quality Chelsea was genuinely concerned about my lungs. I dumped all of my asthma medication more than 15 years ago and started managing symptoms with breathing techniques but the last several months we were in Cali there was a great deal of construction going on in my building and my lung health was taking a hit. So my concerned daughter suggested that we look outside of the city. Grateful (I’m not really into spending a whole month in a capital city anyway), I joined her in the airbnb hunt. I’m not sure who found this place first but we all loved the listing.

Laem Ngop is a district in the province of Trat, Thailand. You’ve never heard of it? Before this trip I hadn’t either. The listing was very clear. The house sits on stilts over the water in the Gulf of Thailand. Though the sound of water under the floor, day and night, is lovely, and the sunset views with the local “eagles” (pretty sure they are Brahminy Kites but the locals call them eagles) coming to feed just past our porch are amazing, this is a fishing village and not a great swimming beach. We knew there was a dock nearby and assumed we could catch a ferry from there to the islands a few times a week. But when we arrived, we realized that dock was only for fishing boats. The actual ferry pier was 20 minutes away by car. In a town so small that there are no taxis, buses, or Ubers, arranging a ride is costly and with each of us on different work schedules just not convenient for everyday outings. So outside of our weekly excursions on days we all agree not to work we are living a very simple life this month.

We ride our rental bikes to grocery stores, open-air markets, and small restaurants. We work, mostly on the peaceful porch. We exercise, cook meals, read and talk. It is a quiet life in a quiet town where very few people can say more than a few words in English and none of us can speak Thai! It is a super friendly place though, with many smiling faces and greetings. I know people are perplexed as to why the foreigners are spending a month here! Usually it is an overnight spot for people who are heading to the island but we really didn’t get it when we booked it.

I should be bored. After all of the activity in Sri Lanka, this should feel like a letdown, but somehow, it isn’t. Several years ago I decided to stop pursuing joy and began to focus on peace when I started noticing how quickly my joy could fall away in times of emotional hardships. I mean, where does my joy go when loved ones lose themselves in addiction? What happens when the panic wells up in me? This in no way means that I gave up on joy. It just wasn’t my focus. I wanted to find stillness. I wanted to let in a calm that so rarely was a part of me. Yoga helped, meditation helped, awareness of my breathing helped. Slowly, through the years I’ve worked on adding peace but there are always distractions. Life is loud and busy and fun and painful and joyful and volatile.

Since I’ve been here life is quiet and slow and even and peaceful. There is time. So much time. I am trying to be mindful of every moment. I’m eating slower as I pay attention to every bite. I’m moving slower and trying to be in balance. I’m paying attention to my breath as it enters and leaves my body. I’m listening closely when people talk and listening to the sounds around me. I’m observing my own thoughts and observing how they make me feel. I am really feeling that stillness and it has been easy here. I haven’t exercised more; if anything it’s been a bit less. I haven’t meditated more either, not formally anyway. It’s more like I’ve allowed meditation to cross over into regular life and create peace there. With it comes a joy but not an erratic, volatile joy. I’m feeling a peaceful joy in the knowledge that I am alive and connected to this whole alive world. I feel a peaceful joy in the knowledge that I don’t really know what is coming next. Even though I have a vision about my direction, all I truly have is now. When I look around at now, in this stillness I am at peace.