Part 14b: How fragile this life is

After more than a year of traveling Chelsea and I both felt like a break and Colombia was offering a new digital nomad visa that we both qualified for. We both really liked Cali so we decided to get an airbnb there. We found a good sized 2 bedroom 2 bath in our favorite neighborhood. We had to walk down 5 flights of steps (a "healthy" lifestyle factor) but I didn't mind because that put us on the ground floor at the back of the building giving us a beautiful outdoor space! Working at home, online and outside is the perfect set up for me and I was able to do that almost every day. The only exception was when I couldn't hear my students over the sound of hard rain on the plastic awning! Luckily for me that was a rare occurrence.

We both applied for the visa and were approved for a year. Since we both loved the apartment we negotiated to change our airbnb into a long term rental. A whole year in one place? I was hoping that this was a good choice. I had been running for awhile. It was helpful for me emotionally to have to move a lot. I couldn't just sit in sadness for too long if I had to make travel arrangements, find a new place to live, learn where the new grocery store is, when and where to put out the trash, etc. Plus, having all new scenery draws me out for daily walks!

While it was true that Cali turned out to be a good choice, it did get routine and I often felt like it was really easy to just stay home and withdraw. Sometimes I became fearful, very afraid of the choices I had made and what my life had become; even panicky about the unknown future. These panic attacks weren't fun and only now, looking back over the past two years, I realize that I had been in a heightened state of anxiety for many years, but now, healing little by little, I was finding moments of quiet within me. I wanted to believe that this peace was my normal state of being, that I was trying to get back to it. I did hard emotional work with all my effort to "get back to normal." I panicked when I focused on the fact that I couldn't maintain a peace within myself. Spoiler Alert: Two years later, I can say that I have found abundant peace but I never "got back to normal" because this had never been my normal.

About 6 months after moving to Cali, Chelsea and I planned a week in Taganga, a quiet little Colombian beach town. When I saw that the airbnb was only about $100 more to stay for a month I decided I would. Chelsea had had a boyfriend for around 5 months now and she didn't want to leave for a month so we planned it like this: I would go, two weeks later she would come for a week and during her week he would come for the weekend! It was perfect! I could get some peaceful quiet time with myself and some "vacation fun" with them. Of course, it wasn't really a vacation because I worked 6 hours every day but it always feels a little like a vacation when I'm in a new place!

When we were all together we took a bus ride to nearby Parque Tyrona, a beautiful national park of Colombia. Andrés, knowing of my love for monkeys kept it a secret that we would be seeing some all while buying bananas "for a snack" for later right in front of me!

I could tell you about how amazing the hike was through the park. I could speak of the gorgeous trees, the beautifully maintained paths, the pristine beach you reach after walking through a natural jungle that seems otherworldly. I could go on about playing in the sand and water, about a sense of becoming closer to Andrés as I learned more about his kind and loving nature, about my sense of peace, calm and oneness with the world. But to be honest nothing tops a great animal experience for me. NOTHING. And monkeys are my favorite. Lucky for you Andrés thought about saving a piece of the moment!

I returned to Cali having had some good personal breakthroughs and feeling stronger and less fearful; finding that peace I was chasing more and more. A couple of months later my divorce was final. It had been a long process and I had prepared myself for any difficult feelings that would come. Boy was I surprised when I felt fine. Yes, I had lost the future I had planned since I was 20 but I had already come to terms with that. Yes, there was no longer a family business that I could depend on for my financial future but I had been teaching online for some time now and was feeling confident in my ability to support myself. The following months seemed to get better and better for me. I stopped talking with my counselor who actually suggested it but left the door open if I ever needed to talk in the future. I continued with my support group because support groups work best when you go whether you need support or can provide it, and I love my family in that room in Pennsylvania even if I have to see them through Zoom! I even decided that I would start reaching out of my self isolation to try to make some local friendships.

I was doing great. And then it happened. Six months after our divorce my husband had a heart attack and died. My world crumbled again. This was not supposed to happen. He was supposed to beat his relapse into addiction and we would be friends. We were supposed to become grandparents together even if we weren't living together. There were future family gatherings...weddings...holidays. We always loved each other. I will always love him. Addiction came between us and I always knew that it could lead him towards an early death like it had others in his family and my own father at just about the same age but not now! So soon. Too soon.

I was alone. Chelsea and Nicholas were in Ecuador. I started to make travel arrangements to return to what was my home for 25 years after a 2 year absence under the worst circumstances possible. The kids would meet me there. I arrived first and seeing my 3 dogs broke my heart. Walking around the home where I raised my kids felt like walking in a tomb and it was physically painful for me. Nicholas and Chelsea arrived a day after me. Not long after Dave's sister Michelle and Stevie.

Because of Covid and then me leaving the country, I hadn't seen my youngest son for about 3 years. I had longed to hug Stevie and was so grateful that I finally could but so sad that I couldn't fix the broken hearts of my children, let alone my own.

We all put on band shirts from his closet and had a celebration of life. It was hard. There were old friends who were really there for us but there were new friends, people I didn't know who indulged with him as he slipped back into addiction. I had to fight against resentment. They weren't trying to hurt him. They most likely were hurting themselves and enjoying his kindness and company along the way. They even had a celebration of life for him in a bar. It broke my heart to know that. There were also people who didn't come, family even. I know some people thought it was my fault that he died. I thought so too at some points. Mostly I was confused because After 34 years of marriage and 6 months of divorce I didn't expect to feel like an unworthy widow. After 2 years of intense work on emotional growth it seemed as if it was all for nothing. Dave's death left me crushed.

After a couple of weeks Chelsea and I stuck to the plans she had made to surprise me for my birthday...And surprise me she did! She had already bought the tickets and paid for the week at an all inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic, the first place I had ever used my passport just 2 years prior. Yes, as I've written before, Chelsea is the queen of birthday surprises!

We were going to be sad anywhere and my motto had already become, "If your going to be sad you might as well have good scenery." We spent the week eating, talking, crying and laying on the beach. We were sad but happy to have each other. The place was amazing and it was nice to not have to think about the regular parts of life like working, cooking and cleaning. We rested.

I thought returning home to Cali would be returning to normalcy. Back to work, back to life. But this new grief was worse than any I had felt before. It was back to panic attacks, back to self isolation and back to counseling. I didn't think it was possible but things would get better..........