Part 15.b: Waiting Out the Darkness

I had definitely taken some steps backwards with the loss of my husband. I know we were divorced for 6 months when he left this planet but I still can't bring myself to say, "ex" and I've been assured by my counselor and support group that I don't have to. I have gotten past the guilt I felt at that time and the feeling that I was unworthy of feeling the deep loss that I felt. I was back in the state of heightened anxiety to the point of near panic most of the time. I didn't like to go out because I would burst into tears randomly. I held it together 6 hours a day for work and I am so grateful for every child I spoke with through that time. What a beautiful distraction they were!

When December rolled around Chelsea and I took a few days to go to Medellin and Guatapé in the beautiful department of Antioquia, Colombia. In Medellin we explored the city and went on a couple of walking tours, one of which was in Comuna 13. Comuna 13 used to be among the most dangerous places to live in Colombia. Generations there suffered through things I can't even imagine living through but their resilience shines through as they have become world famous for the grafiti art throughout the community and now they are a self sustaining tourist destination. The tour guides are locals and all of the shops and food vendors are too. I felt lucky to be there and hear their story.

In Guatapé we walked the cute small town streets, gazed at the beautiful lake and Climbed the big rock! It's just a lot of steps...I mean a lot. It was good exercise and I wasn't getting much of that lately. The view from the top was beautiful but once you were there the only thing to do was to go down which was okay with me because on the way down gravity is always my friend!

Nicholas had stayed in Pennsylvania since August and in December Stevie joined him for awhile. They came together in time for Christmas. Nicholas was coming back to Colombia and Stevie was visiting for the holidays. It was his first time in South America. Before his father's passing we hadn't spent time with Stevie for 3 years, now we were all together twice in just a few months. He and Andrés got to meet and it was official: We all felt like Andrés was one of the family (of course Nicholas and I had felt that way for a long time)!

We had made a lot of plans for January: we would clear out of our apartment, and Chelsea would move in with Andrés. I was going to visit family for a week in Florida, fly to meet them for another week at the lake in Guatemala, and then go to the small city of Armenia, Colombia, a few hours' drive from Cali, for at least a month. Why was I running to some random (but beautiful) city? I knew I was truly happy for Chelsea for having found the love of her life. I wanted them to have a beautiful start and fill their new home with joy. I also knew that I was going to be really sad. I was still aching from the loss of Dave, and I genuinely wanted to get out of the way so she wouldn't feel guilty, as I don't hide my pain well.

First stop: Florida. I hadn't seen my beautiful Thea (Greek for aunt) Anna who truly stepped up like a mother for me when I was a kid in too long! She had recently received a diagnosis that nobody wants and I really just wanted to spend time with her. Lucky me, because while she worked hard to battle her diagnosis, this strong and loving woman was also there for me in my emotional pain. She truly is one of the greatest inspirations in my life. I blame her for every ounce of optimism in my soul! I was lucky enough to return and visit 2 other times this year to spend time with her and the rest of my Florida family!

Off to Guatemala where I got to be an insider and photographer when Andrés popped the question!!! I was so excited I thought I might explode. Luckily he did it in the first couple of days! We did some other great things at the lake but nothing compares to me getting a promise that I'd have a third son and seeing my daughter so happy!

After Guatemala I went to Armenia. I worked, I walked, I drank good coffee, I cried...a lot. I needed to. I did my counseling, I attended my support group, I talked to Dave. I asked, "Why?" and never got an answer. Once at around 2 am the TV turned on while I was sleeping. I hadn't watched TV once since I'd arrived so I had to turn on the light and search for the remote to turn it off. Side note: For all the years of our marriage he preferred to fall asleep to the TV and I would have liked it quiet. I often waited until he was asleep and turned it off so I could sleep. After I turned off the TV, I could almost hear him laughing. I could certainly feel him near me and I spoke into the night, "Okay then, if you're here, you really need to help me get through this." I felt calm and peaceful and fell asleep.

I returned to Cali feeling like I'd grown and healed some, much like after the time I'd spent alone in Taganga the previous year. I found a great little apartment a 15 minute walk from Chelsea and a 10 minute walk from Nicholas!

I was feeling a little better but far from okay. The world seemed to continue to spin even though Dave wasn't in it anymore. The year went on...We had amazing trips to San Andrés Island, some amazing hot springs (and a mud bath!), San Blas Islands, Panama, Guatape (again!), and the Pacific Coast of Colombia, and the 2 trips back to Florida. Some of that travel was for our birthdays, some was just for a break in routine.

None of the travel outshined Chelsea and Andrés getting married in August. Stevie came back to Colombia and so once again we were all together. We all feel blessed that Andrés has joined our family! Of course it was bitter sweet to not have Dave there with us. It was the first of many future joys that I would have never imagined him missing.

I'm not sure when I really started to feel better but the panic attacks became fewer and farther between. I have found my peace. I have made peace with the darkness. I am grateful for having been through it and I have left it behind for another sunrise.